“Women, since the beginning of time, were always taught that their purpose was to serve men. But now, the idea that women are created for themselves and for their own happiness is beginning to conquer the world. Women, today, are educated, independent, and not at all at the mercy of men. From living their lives as an oppressed gender, women now have an equal role in society,” reads a part of the synopsis of The Householder: A Peek Into the Changing Role of Women in India, penned by author Ritu Sharma and published by Hay House India.
The author says her latest book captures the power shift that’s happening between men and women due to the latter becoming more socially and financially independent. Sharma feels it’s the society that assigns gender-specific roles to men and women which is changing with time.
Ritu Sharma speaks to Top Lead India about her book and why women should continue to chase their dreams even post marriage.
Excerpts:
Q: Can you tell us a little about your book – The Householder?
A: My book is an insight into the changing dynamics between couples in Indian marriages.
The reason behind this change can be attributed to the fact that while the role of the man continues to remain the same – that of a breadwinner, there’s been a paradigm shift in the way the women have evolved over the years.
They are now a lot more socially, financially and sexually independent and it is this power shift that my book tries to capture.
Q: Would you say that marriage is an equal partnership or do women have to sacrifice their ambition for it?
A: Traditionally marriage was seen as an equal partnership, wherein the man worked outside the house and the women within the four walls. It was taxing for both but since a woman’s job was not quantified – as in, it did not translate into financial contribution, their efforts were not acknowledged.
On the other hand, since the man was the breadwinner, he was glorified by the entire family and society. I believe that it’s high time that the society also acknowledged the efforts of women as homemakers.
Secondly, the women who have ambitions, regardless of their social strata, should be encouraged to pursue their aspirations rather than sacrifice it at the altar of marriage.
Q: Many women these days seem to not pursue marriage. Single women form 12% of the female population according to 2011 census which is a 39 per cent increase in the last decade. Many of these women have never married. This percentage is expected to go up in the next census. The overwhelming demands of life post marriage and the feared loss of identity seem to be dissuading them from taking the plunge.
A: Yes, the ratio of single women is increasing significantly, and as I have mentioned in my book, the society needs to make room for them, since in times to come this would also qualify as the “new normal”.
More and more women are becoming aware of the demands of marriage and the loss of identity that it mostly entails; and if they are not prepared to take up the role of a householder, we need to respect their choice.
Q: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, reads the title of a very popular book by American author John Gray. This book too delves into the expectations the both genders have from each other and why at times they fail to see the situation from the other’s point of view. Do you think their conditioning make them inhabitants of different planets, or their basic nature?
A: I would say that as a society, we have created gender-specific roles for men and women. The fact that today many women are taking up leadership roles and men are opting to be homemakers, evidently makes these traditional gender roles a dated notion.
Even their basic nature is a product of their upbringing, where we allot gender-specific tasks to boys and girls. I do agree that there are biological differences, but these are complementary in nature, not divisive.
Q: A portion of your book discusses how men and women seek love outside marriage for different reasons. Do you think somewhere their reasons to marry in the first place are faulty?
A: We are programmed to believe that marriage entails a “happily ever after”. But we tend to put the onus of it solely on our partner.
Marriage is a partnership where both parties need to do their bit to achieve a harmonious relationship. The moment we become dependent on others for our happiness, the relationship collapses and this makes us look for love outside marriage.
Also, many a marriages are forged on a wrong premise, such as family pressure, an escape route and so on. If the very foundation is inauthentic, the relationship is bound to crumble.
Q: How do you think your book can impact the way in which women are perceived by a predominantly-patriarchal society?
A: I think to begin with, we need to recognise that patriarchy is not a gender construct. It is in fact, the masculine aspect of our nature and as such, women can be just as patriarchal as men. So, if we really want to bring about gender equality, we need to cultivate the feminine aspect of our nature.
Patriarchal mindset germinates in the way in which both parents bring up their children – they are the ones who discriminate between male and female children. This is prevalent not just in the rural population but in urban households as well.
Unless we acknowledge that women are just as entitled to realise their potential as men are, the society would be stuck in the swamp of poverty and illiteracy. Also, the society needs to recognise the economic worth of a woman’s contributions even as homemakers. It may not impact the gross domestic product (GDP) yet, but will definitely reflect in the “happiness quotient” of the household.